Autumn

Fall begins - leaves become colourful and reflect in a large pond in the middle of Leipzig
A typical street in the city - apartment buildings from the Gründerzeit of the late 19th century with cobblestone streets - no trace of Fall here...

Fall is unfolding now. Today is a wonderful clear day at the end of September. The sunlight now has that typical soft golden character I never see in Texas, and every morning there is fog, since the ground is still warm and the air is cooling rapidly.
The problem is, the days are getting so short. What do you do here to fight that? You start going to events - concerts, cinema, plays, markets, and you make plans for Christmas. Fall here is full of memory days - Reformation Day, Day of German Unity, Day of Prayer and Repentence, Ertnedankfest - where you give thanks for the harvest.
After all the outdoor activity of Summer, Fall seems a good time to reflect with candles and tea. But this is also a dangerous time - cold, dark, and damp - what do people with depressive tendencies do? This is a good time for us to be alert for ways to help others, which may also help us make it through these days better.

little red rose

beautiful blue Morning Glories - I brought the seeds with me from Texas in April.

A poem I never understood:

"O little red rose, Man lies in direst need! Man lies in deepest pain! I would rather be in heaven!"

This is the first half in translation from Des Knaben Wunderhorn.

Just after we had buried my mother, my brother bent over the fresh grave and, with tears in his eyes, selected one little red rose to carry back home in remembrance.

Instantly I understood this poem.

How beautiful is the little rose - yet fragile and soon withered.

How could it be that true love and beauty could go on without decaying? Is truth, love, and beauty so destined?

Fresh figs with Blue Bell vanilla ice cream - I always remember my grandmother in Hearne and the figs from her tree.

Lantana - speckles of orange and yellow - I remember my other grandmother and this flower in her front yard.

The sound of gravel crunching under the tires - and I always got ready for a big long hug from my grandmother as she picked me up and kissed me.

These are all part of the little red rose - reminding us of exclusion and embrace as we look forward to the end of exclusion.

summer smiles surprised as time walks by

I like street cafés here. Leipzig has many. They let you people watch, so you see lives go by - wide, thin, tall, short, well-groomed, yawn-boring, and knock-down good-looking. How much of this is voyeuristic or simply part of learning to understand the nature of life?

Saturday evening I wanted to go to an open-air concert of the Gewandhaus Orchestra - one of the oldest ensembles in the world. Just before the concert began, it started raining, so the event was moved into the concert hall. Immediately the 2,000 people gathered began streaming to the other side of the square to be the first into the hall. We, with our wine and beer in hand, sought a street café on the side-line and just observed the chaos. Since one of the guys in our party was the public relations director for this orchestra, I had an inside angle on the whole event. Since the hall did not seat 2,000, we decided to forgo the event and sought a tapas bar instead. After the concert all the orchestra musicians came to the tapas bar also, so we still had some skewed participation in the event, and we did a lot of people watching.

I also watch the leaves - fall is starting, but summer is still here. It is sunny, highs in the upper 70s (25 C), and yet the leaves are turning. Reminds me of a German poem "Sommer lächelt, erstaunt und matt in dem sterbenden Gartentraum" (Summer smiles surprised and drooping in the dying garden dream - my own translation). This does not happen in Texas, but in Texas we do not sit in street cafés and watch the people saunter by. And in Texas the leaves fall in a day or two, instead of in a month or two.

Yet I enjoy this - it gives me the illusion of standing away from the stream observing life passing by in many others, though I actually do continue to participate in this passing.

These thoughts help me when I feel overwhelmed by the passing by of life in my own existence.

a sad anniversary

At the time it was insignificant - now a priceless photo...

Five months ago today my mother left this life to join the most important people in her life. The problem is, she left two of us (my brother and I) here in this life. In this photo you see my mother with her husband, my father, on her right, and her mother, my grandmother, sitting below her. As we spend more time in this life, we see more clearly that who we are is a product of those who were always there for us, regardless of how we accepted it. 15 months after this photo was made, two of those in it passed on to the rest of our existence. Five months ago my mother joined them. 

I hope you have a reflective Sunday, as we come into the time of year when the environment changes so quickly. 

memories

My mother remembers her parents at their graves. Now we remember her at her grave. 

God sees the rainbow and remembers his promise to never again destroy the earth by water. 

What happens when you remember someone or something? 

Your hard drive changes the magnetized pattern, and it is remembered. But the word betrays the human process. Re-member me. Put me back into your body, into the members of your body. German uses sich erinnern - to put something  or -one inside oneself. A memory becomes a part of our self, our life, in some way. It is more than a sterile storage of a fact or row of data. 

A memory is a part of us, it participates in our life now and belongs to our person. 

And those things that are a part of us and belong to our person are all memories of some sort. 

Before you click on delete - whether on your laptop or in your real lap, consider if you want to remove this memory from your life. 

But are you even able to forget those things that are really a part of your life? So German calls a memorial statue a Denkmal - literally - think about it. 

These thoughts are very important for all of us - please re-member them. 

encore Berlin

Voilà La Fayette! A glass cylinder in the middle becomes a fashion statement...
Ludwig helps Felix select drinking pots...
Ludwig leaving the mens department wearing his purchase...
Ludwig and Felix (and I) eating in the restaurant section of La Fayette...
The Von Humbholt statue in front of the Humbholt University in central Berlin. 

What do you do in the middle of August? Go to Berlin on the weekend. That is what I did. With the high-speed train from Leipzig, I was at the main train station in Berlin on Saturday morning after only one hour of a rail jaunt. I can always go to Berlin, but this was a way to spend the weekend with Felix and Ludwig - two brothers originally from Leipzig. 

We wanted to see the Babylon exhibit at the Pergamon Museum, but the line was terribly long, so we opted for the Martin Gropius building with a museum hosting an exhibit on "the Graves of Paestum" - remnants from a temple and grave area in southern Italy. We ate Saturday at "Gorilla" - a natural food restaurant, where I discovered that gorillas only eat plants - I never knew vegetarians could get so strong and big.... 

Well, it was a wonderful weekend with shopping at La Fayette, KaDeWe, and other places. Enjoy my photos and come to Berlin! As the mayor there says, "Berlin is poor but sexy." If I go there, then both must be true...lol. 

Tagging revealed.....

I have just come in from running - how do you like the flowers? I am not talking to you through the flowers but next to them.... 

And here I finally respond to Chris' tagging. By the way, "Durch die Blume reden.." "talking through the flower" means criticizing someone in a very indirect way, something I do not do - on this blog, at least... 

A. Attached or single? Single....

B. Best Friend? Some are already departed, other still among us, and I share my apartment with one of them...

C. Cake or Pie?  Torte...

D. Day of choice? Saturday - more concerts...

E. Essential item? Tea!

F. Favorite colour? Sky Blue

G. Gummy Bears or worms? no no no...

H. Home Town? Bedford, Texas

I. Favourite indulgence?  Sachertorte

J. January or July?  January (July is too hot!) 

K. Kids?  Yes, but please don't try to repopulate the globe in one..... 

L. Life isn't complete without.... genuine love.

M. Marriage date? N/A 

N. Number of brothers and sisters? 1 brother. 

O. oranges or apples? Oranges

P. Phobias? None, really. 

Q. Quotes? Solomon from the Old Testament: "Love is stronger than Death." Amen. 

R. Reasons to smile? Every time I remember that genuine real love conquers all. 

S. Season of choice? Spring, when the sunlight has a soft golden hue and life returns. 

T. Tag 4 people: Karen, Ruth Ann, Bettina, and Randy C. in Arlington (which means he will have to get a blog...). 

U. Unknown fact about me? I am (distantly) related to Larry Hagmann (the infamous J.R.) 

V. Vegetable? Always! Vegetarians will save the environment!! 

W. Worst habit? I imitate musical sounds of elevators and other machines that serve us in daily life. 

X. Xray or ultrasound? sonar.

Y. Your favourite food? real sourdough bread and a real French baguette. 

Z. Zodiay sign? Capricorn, but I do not believe in Astrology. 

How do you like my geraniums? In Texas the heat makes it impossible to grow them, but here it's easy....

I have been tagged by Chris in Austin, so I will get this over with quickly, since I am going to the movies in a few hours to see "The Elephant King" - a movie about two brothers, one living in Thailand and the other back home in the US. You guess why the movie interests me.... 

c'est la vie en Europe... 

And I can't seem to cut and paste my answers into the little window - what a bother.... so I will have to do it later....

Collage: Leipzig City Centre

The Leipzig Cotton Manufactur - a historic building
A view of the St. Thomas Church from Café Luise, one of my favorite places. Here I am sitting outside drinking coffee and enjoying this view. 
The clock tower of the old city hall, from the 15th century
The Grimmaische Straße - one of the oldest streets in Leipzig. 
The Messehofpassage - trade fair passage - seen from Café Darboven. 
A restored department store building - housing Karstadt now. 
The contrast of old and new in downtown Leipzig
The Passage in Speckshof - the inner court of the Speck building. 

Here you have snapshots of my daily life, since my work takes me past most of these scenes several times a week. I often take breaks here to prepare for classes, read, or just relax. 

Knowledge is Power

Join me for a fresh espresso and a praline of your choice - over 250 to choose from...
Or would you rather read the Munich paper with me and have a cup of coffee in the Biergarten at the Glashaus...
Okay, we talk over espresso, and you see this backdrop...

This is not really about coffee drinks but rather a topic on my mind for years. 

Many things motivated Europeans to leave the "old world" for the new. Among them was the idea - born of the Enlightenment but not new - that "all humans are created equal". This is no new idea. In the New Testament Paul quotes the Old Testament, saying"God is no respector of persons...". Literally from the Hebrew, God does not stand there as an ancient Asian Despot, before whom all must bow their faces and touch the ground with their foreheads, after which the despot allows some to raise their head, while others must remain bowed. Not so with the real ruler of all: he gives no special advantages to anyone. 

This is truly still a radical thought: no color of skin, no academic or royal title, no professional or theological or church achievement, no amount of money or appearance gives any of us an advantage over others. 

We all share in the same human predicament: saved by grace but still subjected to the human shortcomings, among which the greatest are the lust for power and money. 

The founding fathers of the United States were well aware of these shortcomings - they built protective measures into the Constitution to assure that no one interest group would have the opportunity to take advantage of others. These are referred to as checks and balances. Behind this was the wish - the prerequisite - that knowledge must flow freely and in all directions in a group that preserves the equality of all humans. 

Perhaps you are already thinking with me. "Knowledge is power" said an ancient Greek philosopher, especially when I know something you don't know, and you don't even know that I know it. Not only does this address the serious responsibility of journalists. It also alerts us to how easy it is create an imbalance of power and influence, which often results in unfair advantages to one group over other groups, which can sway the hearts and minds of others unfairly. We sometimes call this propaganda, sometimes coercion, sometimes downright deception. 

While we may shake our heads when we see this on the political front of various nations, it is even more revolting to experience this in a group that would quote Paul before it would cite the US Constitution. Those who would uphold the unity we all have in Christ - the sameness and equality of all believers - can then also deliberately establish approved avenues of procedure to intentionally hold knowledge from those who they, as leaders, have been called to care for. 

Earlier times saw the condemnation of translations of the Bible or banning teaching except from approved persons or institutions. The Roman Catholic faith presents another variant: divine sanction as the wild card. If you need a justification for your special priviledges with knowledge (and, thus, power), you simply need a direct mandate from God. According to this, the directives of the church leadership are also from God himself. And the King was also ruler by God's grace, so you had better obey the King and not question his power. 

Yet Protestant secular leaders and free church leaders still aspire to such divine mandates. "I believe God has called me to be......" . You fill in the blank: governor, preacher, president, bishop, whatever. if God has called you, then who dare question your authority? 

But, aren't all humans created equal? Paul said that, and he was certainly called by God. But how intoxicating can power be..... as the current world stage shows.  Checks and balances serve us well, as we all correct each other and hold each other in check and balance, when we realize our equality. Yet leaders - individuals and groups, political and church - can hire and fire, pro- and demote church workers stateside and abroad using their monopoly on power and knowledge to stage pro forma meetings, any kind of "discussion" forum, even though their decisions were already made well in advance. Numerous cases in US current events come to mind. Indeed, this very writer has experienced first hand in the religious arena the detesting hypocrysy of being duped into staged situations in which the real matter to be decided was the power and reputation of others, and this writer's fate played only an ancillary role. 

What am I learning from this? How tragic it is when someone or some group claims others have nothing to tell them, or they refuse to communicate openly to others. And, in any decision-making forum, I always look for the checks and balances. Does the leadership communicate openly? That is, does the leadership engage in true open discussions, and not simply impart information to others? Too often have I experienced staged meetings, in which leadership simply made announcements or probed the participants for information while revealing nothing about their thoughts. 

I am thankful for the more critical journalism here in Europe and for the lessons that have been learned from totalitarian goverments restricting knowledge and power. But the danger of falling back never abates. Yes, even literary theory helps us, as semiotics and deconstruction help us to uncover the power structures so deeply assumed in the narratives we read and promulgate in our daily lives. Critical reading and discussing are essential, yet who takes the time for that nowadays? 

If you have read with me, I hope your espresso kept you alert.... and thank you for your attention. 

Saturday Evening Mass in St. Peter's Church....

Some of the hauntingly beautiful stained-glass windows
the chorus in action with the Camerata Lipsiensis
a close-up of chorus and orchestra
Another close-up
The duet Domine Deus, rex coelestis 

The Peterskirche from outside
And from inside
sacred spaces
Today was no normal Saturday. I was running errands in the city this afternoon and taking a break in a café, where I saw someone wheeling an elderly lady in a wheelchair. Suddenly I saw my mother in front of me, and the whole range of emotions exploded. 

When you think you may be recovering, this happens to remind you how little time effects healing. 

I decided to go to a concert in the Peterskirche - St. Peter's Church - just south of the city centre and only 10 minutes by tram from my flat. At 7:30 pm. the Oratorio Choir of Tokyo (Japan, of course) was performing J. S. Bach's B-minor Mass with the Camerata Lipsiensis, a Leipzig orchestra made up primarily of music conservatory students. This should help my mood, I thought. 

As you see from the photos above, the Peterskirche has an almost mystical and quite sacred atmosphere. Restoration moves slowly in this, one of the few gothic churches of Leipzig, giving it a type of haunted atmosphere. Add the late evening sun streaming through the stained glass windows, and you are ready for a gothic romance. 

Then the performance began. This is an excellent choir that has already produced several professional cds, including a recording of the Bach B-minor Mass. Such standards were noticeable in the performance. Here was an intimate Bach that played, in the baroque fashion, with the melismen and tacitura, creating an ephemeral melody line almost like incense wafting through the rows. 

I am always amazed at the style of Bach concerts I experience in Leipzig, the home of Bach for his last 27 years of life. No matter which group performs, there is a vitality and joy in the playing that makes it hard to sit still during the concert - J. S. Bach is still in the air here, and time stands still as music 250 years old seems as fresh as if the ink on the pages were still wet. 

Though I own a recording of this mass, this is the first hearing that has called to my attention how much dissonance Bach has put into the work. Melodies and harmonies move chromatically in a way one would assume in the late 19th century. Perhaps my favorite section was laudamus te - we praise you - sung so personally by the soprano soloist. When it came to the section of the credo - et ressurrexit tertia die - you felt the power and glory of something humans still cannot fathom. 

Finally, at the end, I realized dona nobis pacem - give them peace. Time cannot heal all things, but, as I experienced in this concert, peace can still come in spite of grief. 

And, this concert was free - it was a gift from the chorus to the St. Peter's Church in Leipzig. What a beatiful gift - a showing of grace - from messengers from across the world. As if God gave his blessing, during the final dona nobis pacem it began pouring rain and thundering and lightening outside - what perfectly timed divine support for the tympani and trumpets, as we all were ceremonially baptized in the deluge as we then left the church with the last chords and words still in our ears, hearts, and minds. 

Summer in Leipzig

This little pond is in the central city area - an oasis of rest.

Here we visit the birds in Clara Zetkin Park in central Leipzig

Cooking out with Matthias and Gesine and their daughter Felicitas 

Matthias' father puts some Bratwurst on the grill....

Some young families feeding the birds at a park

Here is a post with lighter topics. These photos show aspects of my life in the summer here. The temperatures are mild - highs in the mid 20s - upper 70s Fahrenheit - so sweating isn't a problem. 

On Saturday my friends Matthias and Gesine invited me to eat with them, so we cooked out at Matthias' father's place. We ate, talked, and sat next to the fire to stay warm until 1:30 am., when we called it a day. Pretty typical for Germany in the summer. 

a rainy July day

Café Grundmann - an art deco cafe with some of the best cakes and tortes in Leipzig

The corner of August Bebel Straße, with many Gründerzeit buildings. 

The tramstop Südplatz - I am here virtually every day.

KillyWilly - an Irish pub at Südplatz; Leipzig has several Irish watering holes. 

When I returned from Texas in April, I was back in my daily life here, traveling down these streets, as well as many other streets, and interacting with people again. Here in East Germany there are many people with little or no connection to religion, often called atheists. This is one of the results of fifty years of a state-sponsored socialist dictatorship. 

In relating to my friends and acquaintances how I had lost my mother, I usually mentioned my faith and my conviction that I will see all my family members again. In response to this, I got, in essence the following reactions: 

 - silence, meaning the person did not show a reaction to my expression of faith in a life after this life. 

 - respect for my conviction, since it helps me deal with the tragedy. 

 - the most considerate response: "Why not? Since millions of people on earth believe in life after this life, there must something important there that helps a lot of people." 

I also spoke with the pedagogical manager of a language school I work for. The manager is a Christian and grew up in East Germany. So I asked her how most people here deal with death in their immediate family. The answer: it is an extremely difficult situation. For them death is an enemy you can do nothing about, so just avoid it as long as possible. It is the end of all things, after which we know nothing. 

In an unexpected turn, this lack of support from a number of people has actually given me strength. Even though the death of a parent is a rift in your life, I focus even more on the coming permanent reunion and gain strength from this hope. But what would there be without this hope? 

Rain and Sun

I'll try a little post here, but it isn't easy. Last week I fell asleep, and it happened. 

There I was talking to my mother, and she was laughing, how the doctors were saying there was nothing they could do for her, how she would die in just a few hours. And the doctors were standing next to her shaking their heads in disbelief, that she was still standing there in that simple but nice white blouse. Out of pure happiness I grabbed her and hugged her for a long time as we kept on talking. And she kept saying "I'm still here, I've never gone away." And her white blouse surrounded us and became a wonderful cloud, but then something happened, and I saw yellow - the yellow of the wall of my bedroom, and I thought, "well, now I am dreaming, because I am in bed somewhere. But after a few moments of reflection, I realized that white must have been the dream, and yellow was reality - I guess. 

I still think often about that experience that many might call a dream, for there was a crispness and three-dimensionality to that conversation with my mother that separates it from all other dreams, and I experienced her nearness in such a unique way, that seeing the yellow of my bedroom wall made me think that dream and reality were mixed up. 

I have decided it was not a dream, but the grace of God, that he gave me the comfort of knowing that she - as the rest of our family also - is still here with us. 

To close, I have a CD recommendation. Maurice Durufle's Requiem, Opus 9, performed by the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra and Chorus under Robert Shaw. Telarc CD-80135. 

Now that I know the grief of loss freshly, I listen to this mass of loss and realize the subtelty of grief, how it captures you when you think it might abate, how you stand there mourning as your loved one ascends into glory in the first movement of the Requiem. Then following movements accompany the anger and grief with the noble restraint so typical of anything French. It rains and the sun shines often in this mass, as you realize life as we know it now can leave us mourning and baffled as we search for comfort. 

And comfort is there, as my previous post mentions... 

Every cloud has its silver lining indeed....

The view from my west deck about 9 pm. any day in June

I spend a lot of time looking at the sky these days. When you look up, you see the border between "here" and "not here" is invisible. Where do you cross that line and suddenly find yourself "no longer here"? But when you see a cloud, it suddenly makes "not here" seem much more noticeable.

I think Ascension Day is a holiday that is sorely neglected. Of all events, this one should help us see this distinction much better. According to sources, Jesus spent about 40 days with his followers after his resurrection. Then, while they were standing with him, he - that is, he and his physical body with the wounds from his crucifixion - rose up and up into the sky and left their sight. Here is no room for neo-platonic separation of (good) spirit and (evil) matter - spirit and matter rose into the realm of God as a unity.

The man who stands in for us - he and his body crossed that border and went up next to the creator of everything anywhere and sat down next to him - he still sits there now with the same wounds from his execution, reminding us every moment that true love is eternally stronger than death, for true love seemed to tear up all our biology and chemistry teaches us about what happens to a life form when it "dies." Yet true love is also the author of all the real rules of biology and chemistry that we will never excavate entirely.

In the western (that ist, between Roman Catholic East Europe and westward) Christian world, we see many crucifixes - Jesus suffering on the cross. But that leaves us standing in Good Friday waiting for what comes next.

The earliest Christians had it right; in their catacombs in Rome they gave us "graffiti" not of Jesus suffering on the cross, but of Jesus, the Lord of all the universe, reigning with all power. They knew what they were about to see when they closed their eyes the last time - the blood had already flown, that was over. They were about to see the real ruler of all. Ascension Day reminds me, at least, that it is not death but life that enters into the ream of God, because true love is stronger than death.

Dream - Reality - Dream?

Here I am asleep in a Berlin tram; why would I ever want to awaken? In my dream I am with my mother at:

At West End in Dallas in February 2006 - my mother enjoying what would be her last visit to central Dallas.
The Galleria in Dallas in February 2006: my mother (on the far right) with my friends Steve and Marita from Germany.

Dreams often have more of reality than our waking life. How much of our waking life allows us to concentrate on what is really most important to us, what we often attempt to ignore or deny? And so my dreams now do me this service and allow me to enjoy more time with the most important lady in my life as I await the union of dream and reality.

Life Between Resurrection and Ascension

Do you see the rainbow reminding us that storms cannot take away our hope and God's promise.

For me it is more than symbolic that my mother passed away between resurrection Sunday and Ascension Day - she left us and reminds us that we remain here between these two pillars of existence. So how did Jesus' followers feel after they saw him bodily go up into the sky? They had been together with him for about 3 years almost daily. But I knew no life without my mother somewhere, near or far, still playing an important role in my life. Now I have to find a life between resurrection and ascension, a life in which I remember her and anticipate seeing her again.

Help has come from different sources. The Bible and prayer play primary roles. A little book by N.T. Wright, "Following Jesus, Reflections on Biblical Discipleship" has been very helpful in clairifying misunderstandings about life after this life. And a CD I seldom heard has reminded me that for Christians, when we see God directly and see our family and friends again, knowing there will never be a separation ever again, it is a time, an existence of matchless joy and celebration, described in the Bible as a giant feast with the best foods and wine and lots of dancing. In other words, you cannot imagine having a better time. And all our family and friends who have passed out of this life now enjoy this feast, and they also long for us to join them, and they know we will join them, sooner or later.

So for me, this time of waiting is a part of the "sting of death" Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians 15, the emotional grief and pain of separation that should also remind us: this is the last thing that God will remove, and then it is all over. No more pain, grief, separation, tears, fear, insecurity, or wondering what will happen.

Elegy of love and hope

My Mother at Central Market in Fort Worth in August 2004

My Mother at the Botanical Gardens in Fort Worth in March 2005

Our last visit to the family cemetary in January 2007. Now she has joined the rest of our family to await the resurrection.

You are my first thought when I wake,

when I see pictures of you, I get weak,

I know right away if anything I do or experience would make you laugh or smile,

And I think of everything I want to tell you every day,

I recognize gifts that would touch you,

And remember restaurant meals you would like,

but none of these things can change the bitter reality;

for you are gone.




When will I ever see you again?

Yet I still feel your presence every day

knowing what you say

seeing the look in your face

that speaks volumes to someone you love;

When will I take you in my arms again

and know that I am finally where I belong?



When the trumpets sound

And I lay my head the last time down

Then I will redeem my love and longing

As I feel your true face the Maker fit you with from eternity,

As I hear your real voice with my perfect ears;

We will dance again like in that dance class,

But this time there will be no stumbling,

For you have taught me all the moves,

And in our resurrection bodies we will dance before the Author of the unconditional love you always showed me,

And no tears will ever again fall as we embrace with our immortal arms of love.